Another Typical Shopping Trip

I guess you could say I’m every man’s dream for one reason and one reason only…….because I HATE TO SHOP! The one thing I REALLY hate shopping for is clothing, mainly because nothing ever fits. It isn’t unusual for me to spend three hours trying to find just one or two articles of clothing that actually fit and look halfway decent on me. The other problem is that most of the clothes they’re making these days are just plain ugly, at least in my not so humble opinion.

I buy most of my clothes in the Petite Women’s department. What the fashion buyers need to understand is that “petite” simply means that you are 5’3” and under. It does NOT mean that you are necessarily skinny and it does NOT mean that you are a teenager. In fact, short, 80-year-old women buy their clothing in the Petite department.

So my question is this: Why can’t you buy a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, or even a skirt these days that isn’t a “hip hugger”? Now I will admit that a few (and only a few) young women and teenagers look okay in those “low rise” get-ups. But I’ve also seen young ladies with less than perfect figures wearing them. In other words, with fat hanging out in every direction, and of course they also have to wear a very short top to make sure that ALL of the fat can hang out.

I’ll admit that I still like the looks of bell bottom jeans, however. Plus, they’re great when you want to wear boots, which I wear frequently, especially since I got back into motorcycle riding. I saw a couple of pairs of bell bottoms today that I just had to try on, even though the tag said “low rise”. I figured what the heck? Both jeans were exactly the same size; however I couldn’t even get the first pair zipped. The second pair was a pair of stretch jeans which fit perfectly, except it looked as if the top six inches of the jeans were missing. I took a good look at myself in the mirror (always a mistake). Yep, it appeared that I had developed the “hanging fat” syndrome. Or was it the “Michelin” syndrome? Then I figured, “These pants are so comfortable……maybe I could just wear a really long shirt and no one will be the wiser”. So I put on the shirt I had worn to the store and sure enough, you would hardly know. But the problem is, I knew. So I talked myself out of buying one of the most comfortable pairs of jeans I’ve ever tried on. Oh well. If they had only given me six more inches of material….

You know those short 80-year-old women I was talking about? Well, two of them, with obvious Northern accents, came in together and they were shopping for pants with matching tops. One lady picked out an outfit that the other lady really liked, too. She tried to talk her into buying the same outfit, but she was adamant about not buying it because she didn’t want to be a “copycat”. The other lady kept saying, “This is ridiculous! If you like it, buy it! We’ll never wear it at the same time. I promise I won’t wear it when we play Bingo”. I thought they were going to get into a fist fight before it was over. I promise I am NOT making this up!

So guess how my shopping trip ended up? I found some “normal” shorts in the Misses department, and some cute tops in the Junior department. I’ll admit that it hasn’t been many years ago that I actually bought some shirts in the Girl’s (Children’s) department. Can someone please tell me the purpose of having a Women’s Petite department? We short women need to know!

And now, on to the shopping trip that is every woman’s nightmare....the dreaded Swimsuit Department … especially when they have those signs that say “This dressing room is being monitored by female attendants”. Are those one-way mirrors? Eek, get me outta here!